I have the intention of writing everything down. I think it may help me- we will see. I won't get it all done in one sitting- but will do my best to remember the details.
I was 2 weeks past my due date and it was planned that we would head to the hospital at 7 o'clock on Monday the 16th of November. I remember spending time walking around and sitting on my balance ball leading up to that time- hoping I would help to get the baby moving down on his own. We ate ribs for dinner.
I found out that day that my friend back in Washington had her baby. I was hoping it was going to give me the baby vibe- and I was really hoping I would be holding my son in my arms that night- that would end up not being the case.
We got to the hospital and had to sit in the waiting room for what seemed like forever. I asked for a room with a whirlpool tub and they told me that I wasn't close enough to labor to get one- but if it opened up when I was closer they could move me there. I had to go through all the paperwork, and eventually the Cervidil would be inserted against my cervix, to "ripen" it. I couldn't eat or drink anything. The next morning around 9 they removed the Cervidil, I ate breakdfast, and then they started me on Pitocin. I started to feel some light contractions but nothing major at all. I started breathing through them- even though I truly felt no need. Nurses were coming in and out- my mother and husband were there and we played on the computer and chatted.
I remember being upset that I couldn't get out of bed. I wanted to be walking around or on the balance ball or ANYTHING. I couldn't eat or drink while on Pitocin either, so I was one crabby woman. Around 9 PM I was still feeling some contractions but nothing major, still. I was feeling like a failure. I knew that the next day was it- it had to happen then or we would end up with a c-section. They took me off Pitocin for the night, I ate dinner, and then they put the Cervidil in again overnight. (I forgot to mention, when I was on cervidil, no getting out of bed either)
After another terrible nights sleep I got up and they took out the Cervidil. I showered, trying to feel positive. They put me on Pitocin and turned it up! Still not much. There were some contractions but I was stuck in bed for the most part so I couldn't help get this baby moving at all. I continued to breath through any small contractions that I had. As the day went on I felt more and more like a failure.
Then around 3 PM my miracle nurse arrived. I wish I could remember her name- she was amazing. FINALLY- someone willing to break the rules. She let me get on the balance ball and spent most of her time in the room with me helping me with some stretches and exercises to try and get the baby moving. I went from 3 CM to 5 CM in the time she was with me- and finally started to see some mucus! I was thinking this might be it. At 5 PM my doctor came in to tell me that they were pulling the Pitocin and said that pretty much my only option was a c-section. I asked for more time. They gave it to me, thankfully. After an hour, I was still only at 5 cm. They tried to break my water and couldn't even reach it. I can't forget to mention the pain that I went through when they were checking me and trying to break my water. It was excruciating- and they always checked me twice because they have residents there who are learning- so I had to go through the pain twice! It was awful- and I would NEVER go to this hospital again for that reason alone! I did not have the courage to speak up and tell them I was not a guinea pig!
Around 7 I think it was- my doctor came in again. This was it- it was c-section time. I was so upset- I remember crying and crying. My mom tried to comfort me and told me that I was tired and I would never make it through labor. Looking back- I wish I had told them I was going home. Obviously my baby wasn't ready- the doctor couldn't even reach the bag to break my water!
After the surgeon came in, the anesthesiologist came in to tell me what was going to happen. I was still crying. This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to feel and experience the birth of my child- not to have him ripped from my body.
It must have been around 8:30 when they got me all ready to head down to the OR. I walked, and cried. I remember the operating room being so cold. I was shivering. I remember hearing the doctor counting each of the instruments. All I could think was- "please don't leave one inside me" The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the spinal. Then I felt my body go numb. It happened so fast. They put the cover up and then my husband came in. I remember feeling a huge pain in my chest- and difficulty breathing, like someone was sitting on me. Then I remember feeling tugging- like they were ripping my body apart (well- technically they were) but my whole body shook from side to side. I don't remember hearing the doctors or nurses talking, but I remember looking at my husband and telling him I loved him. At exactly 9 o'clock- my son was born. There was no congratulations, or "IT'S A BOY!!" Nothing. I didn't hear crying. I remember feeling worried. I asked my husband- "Is it a boy??" I looked up at the anesthesiologist and she told me that he had blonde hair. I told my husband to get up and take pictures. I wanted so badly to hold him. They cleaned me up and gave my son to my husband. I remember them picking me up on the sheets and moving me to a bed to wheel me to recovery. They asked me to breastfeed and of course I wanted to as soon as possible.
Gerlando latched on quickly and caught on so fast. I was so proud of him. I got a little more confidence that now that it was over- my baby was healthy, and it looked like breastfeeding was going to go well. My mom came in with arms full of all of our crap and put it all down and got to hold the her first grandson.
After breastfeeding they swept Gerlando away for a bath and I insisted Michael go with and watch him. It was several hours and I kept asking and asking about my son and where he was and when I could go. I remember being cold and shaking. I felt drugged and groggy. It was after midnight when I finally got up to my room and got my son back in my arms.
It was a hellish 3 days in the hospital. My son was amazing but my breasts weren't feeling any different. Then they were concerned because my son wasn't peeing enough. He was pooping but not peeing. They wanted to give him a bottle which I insisted not happen. Every time they took him I went with.
Every day, several times, a nurse would come in and ask me WHEN Gerlando was going to be circumcised. That was one thing that irritated me. One nurse continued to tell me to put him in the nursery for the night- that it would be better. I hated her with a passion. I talked to a lactation consultant and she was no help to me. Gerlando had a dimple on his lower back that they took him for an ultrasound for. I couldn't be with him and Mike wasn't at the hospital so they took him alone, and told me it would be 5 minutes- when an hour had gone by I was scared and then found out they took him to the nursery- that REALLY pissed me off.
Like I said- I hated that hospital.
To kill me even more- my milk never came in. We waited at least 3 weeks, until my doctor finally made me put him on formula. I remember crying and crying. And each time I had to make him a bottle I cried. I have looked for answers- and found nothing. My doctor offered nothing. She figured he had the bottle and that's all that mattered I guess. I still cry thinking about the poison I feel I am putting into my sons system everyday with that formula.
I fear it would happen again with another baby- and have told my husband that Gerlando will be our only child- that I will NOT raise another kid on formula. He still thinks there's a chance I will change my mind.
It doesn't help that I have no support to breastfeed here. I have posted about this before so I will not go on- but I die a little bit inside with every bottle I give my son.
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