Jerk Off

I don't get it. For a long time my husband and I weren't having sex because he didn't feel well- and then I find out he had been masturbating that whole time. So now I find out that he is coming upstairs into his office and masturbating almost DAILY while watching porn.

We've been having sex- not as often as I would like- but probably 4-5 times a week. BUT HE STILL IS MASTURBATING! Ugh.. I could have sex a LOT more than that! Sometimes- I just don't understand men. Wouldn't you prefer to make love to your wife than to your hand?? I don't get it!

Blogging topics

So I am searching for some blogs that are of interest to me and I keep hitting the 'next blog' button and I ALWAYS end up in the "God" section. Are these the only people that are blogging??? People talking about God? I don't understand religion. Why do so many people believe in the invisible man in the sky? Everyone should watch this movie called "The Invention of Lying" http://www.amazon.com/Invention-Lying-Ricky-Gervais/dp/B00275EHBY It has Ricky Gervais as the star and it is pretty much how I truly imagine the world being before "God" was invented.

It is hilarious and every one should watch it. I think Ricky Gervais is a brilliant actor and comedian! The story is actually a love story- but aren't they all? What I took most from it was that the whole story that started lying was the creation of  "God" Anyhow- click the link! Get it for cheap! And enjoy!

Passed the test!

A pregnancy test that is... and by passing it I mean it was negative. I do NOT want more children. (I love them but the depression from my first is too much to want to have to go through it again)

In case you are wondering why I even thought it was possible that I might be pregnant (my husband and I are VERY careful but nothing is 100% effective- except not having sex, and we are certainly NOT going to do that)
 But my period is 3 weeks late. I am ASSUMING it is just because of my nursing which must be throwing my cycle off- which is fine- I just want to make sure I'm not pregnant. Especially since I occasionally have a couple drinks after my son has gone to bed.


Anyhow- today was an eventful day! After passing my test my son and I went out shopping in search of something for him to wear to my sister-in-laws wedding which is in 3 weeks. So I went to some consignment shops and found nothing until the last one- and I found some stuff to put together an outfit- and it came out to under 20 bucks. So then I headed to the mall. I figured if I could find something for close to the same cost that was NEW then I would be even happier. I went EVERYWHERE- Gap kids, Old Navy, Macy's, JCPenney, Sears, Gymboree, etc. etc. AND FOUND NOTHING!!!! I couldn't believe it. So I headed to the ATM (I never carry cash) and headed back to the consignment shop (Best Dressed Kids) I almost walked out with an outfit that was going to cost about 15 bucks that I was only SLIGHTLY okay with, when out of the corner of my eye I saw EXACTLY what I was looking for! It was a 12 month outfit (my son will be around 9 months at the wedding) so I figured it would be big. Luckily the person who had it before apparently had a skinny boy because they had sewn the side of the pants in and it fit my son PERFECTLY! I was so excited!

The best part- the ENTIRE outfit (3 pieces) was $9.50 and the shoes (which also looked brand new) were $1.35! SCOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRREEEEE!! I LOVE getting good deals!

A lucky night...;) For Adult Eyes ONLY!

So if you are under the age of 18 avert your eyes ;) I had a WONDERFUL night last night!

I caught Mike looking at porn early yesterday morning and was upset- I assumed it meant I wouldn't get any that night (and in case you don't know me- I'm somewhat of a sex aholic) so I definitely need my sex on a nightly basis!

Anyhow- I found out that my husband has a hidden talent that I haven't had the pleasure of taking advantage of! Let me start out with how I discovered the talent. My husband was radioactive for a week because of a test he had to have done- which meant he had to stay 3 feet away from me- which was AWFUL! SO when it was finally the time that we could be close again I made sure to be shaved clean for him- even though he claims he doesn't mind the hair- and WOW was I amazed! My husbands hidden talent: ORAL SEX!! I swear I have had at least 3 orgasms every time he goes down on me! We have been together for 4 years and I am JUST NOW finding out that he has this amazing ability. Now don't get me wrong- he's done that deed for me before- but I guess I just never realized how amazing he is!

Needless to say- I will be staying shaved for a LONG time! He is just TOO good!

Dreaming...

So this kind of has a back story.. I will try to keep it short..

Before moving to Buffalo I was in love with a wonderful guy. We'll call him 'E'. I was getting ready to move to the east coast to be with him (he lives in Ottawa) and then I met my current husband who convinces me that I should move in with him. I did it. At the time I didn't know why because I had been with my previous boyfriend for 5 years and was convinced he was the one- but I did it. I ended up realizing that the true love of my life is my current husband. I continued to talk online to E but about a year ago he got a girlfriend and then about 8 months ago she told him he was no longer allowed to talk to me because apparently she found some conversations that we were having about her- so I haven't talked to him since then. Lately though my husband has been talking about dying because it is possible that my husband has cancer. After hearing him talk and talk about dying I think it has made me think he is dying too- because I have been having dreams......

I had a dream that my husband had died- which was awful. In the dream I e-mailed E to tell him that my husband had passed away and he immediately packed his things and came to stay with me while I was grieving. All of my husbands family was extremely upset and I ended up not seeing them for years apparently because it jumped ahead to my son being older (it seemed he was probably five or six) and the family invited me to a get together. I was then engaged to E and the family was VERY upset with me. Anyhow..

I think I am dreaming like this because E is always the one I would talk to about ANYTHING that would happen. We would talk and talk and just be open and honest. I miss having that type of person in my life and I wish he was here to talk to. Yes- it sounds selfish- and maybe it is- but I have a feeling he needs someone to talk to about things too- and I dunno- maybe he doesn't care at all. I worry that he doesn't miss me- maybe he doesn't even care that I'm not in his life. Which scares me worse of all. This is partially why I started this blog- to get things off of my mind that I can't necessarily talk out loud about. And hopefully get some feedback (although I never get any) Anyhow- doesn't matter. He won't return e-mails, and the last time I messaged him he said "I'm not supposed to be talking to you" and left. Oh well.. life moves on.. kind of.. I can't get him off of my mind! He's probably married by now.. hah

My son is growing too fast!

My son has yet another tooth! I can't believe how quickly he is growing up! It makes me so sad and makes me want another baby (of course as I've said I don't want any more!) I just don't know what to do. I have been blogging a lot less lately- things have just been so busy! Not to mention I have NO readers which means no one comments which means I get no feedback and don't feel like writing down questions to which I get no answers. What's the fun in that??

Update on my husband

He has a hiatel hernia and has to have a scope on Friday which will tell us if he has cancer in his esophagus. If not then it sounds like there will be no surgery which is a good thing.

So he had an appointment today to take a radioactive iodine pill that would allow them to do an uptake scan tomorrow on his thyroid to tell us whether or not he needs to be operated on for the thyroid problem. Well we thought it might be possible that he might not be able to hold the baby for a day or two but had no idea it will be a WEEK. He has to stay at LEAST 3 feet away from the baby at all times. This is going to be tough. This also means that he can't sleep in bed with us. Ugh.. My poor husband. He is so upset about this- I wish there was something I could do to make him feel better!

Pulling up- and TWO TOP TEETH!

My son is growing up. He has started to pull up on things (like the couch and the gate we have blocking him from getting to the electronics) and standing. We knew he might be an early walker- but WOW! He JUST started crawling! I am not ready for him to be walking! I miss him being a baby and wanting to be held all the time. He would rather play on the floor now!

And on a sad note- he has his two top teeth now- and he is biting me like crazy. It is incredible painful. Unfortunately, he doesn't get a TON of milk from me- because I have a low milk supply- so using the "pulling him off when he bites so he learns that if he bites he loses food" routine doesn't work. I guess I will just have to suffer because I want to nurse him for AT LEAST the first year.

My husband

My husband has been feeling sick for awhile now. I started looking for a new doctor but guess what- couldn't find one I liked! So we went back to the old doctor and my husband explained his problems. He has had stomach pains and headaches and TERRIBLE heartburn. She was feeling his neck and felt something on his thyroid. So she ordered an ultra sound of it- turns out there's a nodule in it- and the nodule has blood vessels. What does this mean? Cancer. Not DEFINITELY- but it sounds like most likely. So- all my husband can think of is his father- who died in October of lung cancer. He automatically assumes this is a death sentence- and I am scared too. I cannot be a widow in my 20's - and worst of all I cannot lose the love of my life. I would be nothing without him.

So then last night I was looking through some pictures and found a folder on the computer that I remembered he had made- which contained a couple of things that my husband wrote when we were engaged- while I was on vacation. They were about his ex-wife. The way he writes about her makes me think he loved her in a way that he could never love me. And I just wish he could love me like that. I think he is just with me because I gave him the attention he deserves, and because I gave him a beautiful child.

Lately he hasn't been able to orgasm during sex. We have had sex three times and he can't orgasm- so we end up not having sex and haven't had sex in WEEKS. Sex was one thing that brought us together- we both LOVE it. Then I realized he has been taking his glasses off during sex. THEN I go upstairs into his office and find out he's been watching porn and jerking off- and orgasming. So now I think he just doesn't like having sex with ME, which goes back to what he wrote about his ex. He wrote about the way her skin turns red from her chest to her neck when she orgasms. I don't even think he looks at me that closely during sex.

I am so depressed. I love my husband so much.