Dreaming...

So this kind of has a back story.. I will try to keep it short..

Before moving to Buffalo I was in love with a wonderful guy. We'll call him 'E'. I was getting ready to move to the east coast to be with him (he lives in Ottawa) and then I met my current husband who convinces me that I should move in with him. I did it. At the time I didn't know why because I had been with my previous boyfriend for 5 years and was convinced he was the one- but I did it. I ended up realizing that the true love of my life is my current husband. I continued to talk online to E but about a year ago he got a girlfriend and then about 8 months ago she told him he was no longer allowed to talk to me because apparently she found some conversations that we were having about her- so I haven't talked to him since then. Lately though my husband has been talking about dying because it is possible that my husband has cancer. After hearing him talk and talk about dying I think it has made me think he is dying too- because I have been having dreams......

I had a dream that my husband had died- which was awful. In the dream I e-mailed E to tell him that my husband had passed away and he immediately packed his things and came to stay with me while I was grieving. All of my husbands family was extremely upset and I ended up not seeing them for years apparently because it jumped ahead to my son being older (it seemed he was probably five or six) and the family invited me to a get together. I was then engaged to E and the family was VERY upset with me. Anyhow..

I think I am dreaming like this because E is always the one I would talk to about ANYTHING that would happen. We would talk and talk and just be open and honest. I miss having that type of person in my life and I wish he was here to talk to. Yes- it sounds selfish- and maybe it is- but I have a feeling he needs someone to talk to about things too- and I dunno- maybe he doesn't care at all. I worry that he doesn't miss me- maybe he doesn't even care that I'm not in his life. Which scares me worse of all. This is partially why I started this blog- to get things off of my mind that I can't necessarily talk out loud about. And hopefully get some feedback (although I never get any) Anyhow- doesn't matter. He won't return e-mails, and the last time I messaged him he said "I'm not supposed to be talking to you" and left. Oh well.. life moves on.. kind of.. I can't get him off of my mind! He's probably married by now.. hah